As we look at the interactions between families and what makes a group dysfunctional, it is safe to say that ALL families have some dysfunction from time to time. However, when we look at ongoing dysfunction, especially that which is passed from generation to generation, these families have a higher rate of maladaptive behavior. This behavior breeds conflict, chaos, and confusion that tends to cause significant harm to family members, individuals, and relationships.
Individuals growing up in a dysfunctional family and environments are commonly impeded by negative behavior like the lack of empathy, neglect, emotional invalidation, overwhelming stress, violence, and ongoing abuse causing low self esteem; as a survival coping mechanism during childhood, individuals conform to their environment creating codependent and narcissistic behavior. Because of this dysfunction and inability to resolve issues, proper cognitive development, and coping strategies such as how to actively look for appropriate support to solve a problem, regulate emotional responses in difficult situations, and thinking about the benefits or the bigger picture, children do not develop the life skills to make the appropriate adult decisions later.
The disruption of the development sequence affects children's judgment and decision making. When faced with adverse stressful circumstances as an adult, they instead use maladaptive behavioral strategies as a means of living and coping with everyday life.
The frequent use of maladaptive behavior strategies is not helpful and hinders the individual's overall mental, physical, emotional growth.
Maladaptive behaviors include emotional numbing, escapism, risk-taking and behavioral disengagement to alleviate adverse effects of the situation. Yet, they prevent you from making changes that are in your best interest. Some of the common maladaptive coping behaviors of chronic conflict, dominant submissive, emotionally distant, chaotic, and pathological dysfunctional families are:
Overeating
Undereating
Spending excessively
Having unprotected or impulsive sex
Occupying time to avoid facing problems
Taking out stress on others (angry outbursts)
Negative self talk
Denying or dismissal of problems
Engaging in addictive behaviors, such as gambling, internet addiction, sexual addiction, thrill seeking, alcohol or drugs
Burning bridges (cutting off friendships, leaving jobs, and moving repeatedly)
Denying or depriving yourself of fun, sleep, social activities, and other healthy needs
Dissociating/Repressing painful events to avoid emotional distress
Accepting the punishing partner
Overcompensating
Past experiences cannot be undone. However, individuals can undo destructive behavior and learn healthy behaviors by reducing or eliminating maladaptive behaviors. Codependency is a maladaptive behavior that practices the suppression, denial, and dismissal of thoughts, feelings, and needs of an individual to satisfy the needs of others. As a result, these individuals tend to have difficulty with their identity, self esteem, feeling security, and attachment.
Low performance, low academic achievement, promiscuity, suicide, and maladaptive coping behaviors have been linked to low self esteem. Low self-esteem is one of the signs of codependency, low narcissism, no boundaries, a problem with saying no, and the compelling need to help others, among others which all perpetuate low self-esteem and the use of maladaptive behaviors—interested in learning more on low self esteem? In my ebook "Unmasking Low Self Esteem" I discuss the different masks of low self esteem used in relationships. Grab a copy; it's free.
Here are some of the signs of a codependent:
Common Thinking Patterns | Often Feel | Self Defeating Behavior |
Difficulty identifying feelings Harsh critical thoughts about yourself, abilities, and future. Fear the worst happening, worrying Not being good enough, worthless, or unlovable. Can't ask for support or what you need Value others approval, thinking, and feelings over your own | Low Sad Deflated or worthless Hopeless Picked-on Un-confident Socially awkward Tired and unappreciated Passive-aggressive Embarrassed when praised or complemented Condemned | Not trying, fear of failing Trying too hard Avoid people, places, or situations. Dwell on your failings. Minimize feelings Sacrificing and dedicated to others Mask pain with humor, anger, or isolation Attracted to emotionally unavailable partners Extremely loyal |
Due to the cycle of trauma low self esteem, codependent traits, and maladaptive behaviors are common in dysfunctional families and environments. As a pose to adaptive behavior, which prompts you to adjust or change your behavior to solve or minimize the unwanted results. Adaptive behaviors encourage collaboration, planning, flexibility, determination, seeking alternatives, having an open mind, and the willingness to learn new things.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Trauma during childhood contributes to so many psychological and functional impairments leading into your adult years. Below are some helpful tips to correct some of the maladaptive behaviors learned as part of your early coping skills from your traumatic experiences. I recommend selecting one thing to focus on and implementing it daily until it becomes a habit.
Become self aware of behaviors, responses, and actions to break negative patterns
Limit or eliminate your time with the toxic family, friends, and others
Acknowledge your parents' failures and limitations and make it a point not to repeat their behavior
Pay attention to how you are feeling, identify and express your emotions. Own and accept your feelings/experiences and avoid the compulsive need to take into account others' feelings over your own
Don't withhold your emotions, instead find beneficial ways to express them (exercise, sports, use art and creative expression)
Take charge of your life. Practice saying how you feel, asking for support, and what you need
Practice being more loyal to your goals, dreams, and self. The loyalty you have to yourself is most important.
Learn and detect self-sabotaging behaviors women create in relationships that keep them stuck in a cycle of dysfunction.
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